As we start 2013, I announced that this year starts Project "Get it together". Goals include: showering everyday, wearing makeup, and losing 30 pounds. I sit here writing at 8:24 PM unshowered, wearing no makeup, and eating a cookie. Sigh. Thankful the holidays are over- they hit me hard at times this year. I brought 2013 in with tears as I did 2012. Each year takes me farther away from Luke- but hurtles me forward with the pleasure of raising Samuel, Benjamin, and Sarah. In 2013, Samuel will turn 12, Benjamin will start 3rd grade, and Sarah will learn new words. We carry Luke along with us, but there is nothing new to celebrate. Only precious memories (as Samuel calls them). Luke's birthday was the 24th of January. We are going to mark that day in a few weeks. We do not "celebrate" Luke's birthday- he is not having it. We acknowledge the day for what it is- the beautiful day we welcomed his body and spirit into our arms. 10 years ago... Two weeks later we will celebrate Benjamin's 8th birthday. He is such a lovely little boy. He is looking forward to running track in the spring. I always read these blogs back and wonder if I sound as bad as I think I do. We really are still standing- we laugh, we have fun, we even occasionally even complain about stupid things. Maybe someday it won't feel so raw. ""