tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89926544459600004622024-02-19T17:34:24.990-08:00Three Men and a Little LadyErin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-61635199639252016272013-03-05T18:52:00.000-08:002013-03-05T18:52:59.855-08:00March already...Two years ago yesterday we brought Luke home from his lung transplant evaluation in St. Louis. This year I watched Sarah play around the house and sent the big boys to school. How different our lives are. It is so nice to have PTO time built up at work, we are able to plan ahead, and one day looks like the next. It is what we wished for many years. We are finding the joy and peace of that now. It is strange to say though that I would throw myself back into the tumult to have Luke back. After a lovely lunch with some friends, I stopped at Riley today to drop off some toys. It is such a sacred place to me. I have so many memories of Luke there- all the bad, but good too. We had so much time together those long days in the hospital. When he felt up to it, we would read, watch TV, laugh, and watch The Price is Right at 11:00. He died there and his spirit left us in the South PICU. Sacred.<br />
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From November to now has been a hard stretch for me, but I am feeling good right now. Settling into working full time much better and am doing a better job "Getting it Together". Keith continues to be the rock that our family stands upon. He has amazed me how much he gives to the kids and I. <br />
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Benjamin is lonely right now and very sensitive. He has friends and of course Samuel, but he misses his best friend. Sleeping continues to be an issue. We have to lay down with him every night and if we do not sleep in his room all night, he will come into ours if he wakes up. I feel so helpless to make him feel better. I keep hoping time will be what he needs.<br />
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Sarah Jane is amazing- a TOTAL toddler, but delicious all the same. She is into everything- especially toilets, toilet paper, the recycling bin, trash can, and drawers. She loves to "write" with pens on paper (or her belly), loves to read (the same book over and over), and dances. She has discovered Elmo and loves her princess castle. We are loving having her so much.<br />
<br />
Finding so much happiness in what I have. I am so overwhelmed at what my life would have been if we could have kept Luke. Could one person really be that blessed?Erin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-72194539268506103252013-01-12T17:47:00.001-08:002013-01-12T17:47:36.896-08:00Project "Get It Together" 2013Project "Get it Together"<br />
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As we start 2013, I announced that this year starts Project "Get it together". Goals include: showering everyday, wearing makeup, and losing 30 pounds. I sit here writing at 8:24 PM unshowered, wearing no makeup, and eating a cookie. Sigh. Thankful the holidays are over- they hit me hard at times this year. I brought 2013 in with tears as I did 2012. Each year takes me farther away from Luke- but hurtles me forward with the pleasure of raising Samuel, Benjamin, and Sarah. In 2013, Samuel will turn 12, Benjamin will start 3rd grade, and Sarah will learn new words. We carry Luke along with us, but there is nothing new to celebrate. Only precious memories (as Samuel calls them). Luke's birthday was the 24th of January. We are going to mark that day in a few weeks. We do not "celebrate" Luke's birthday- he is not having it. We acknowledge the day for what it is- the beautiful day we welcomed his body and spirit into our arms. 10 years ago... Two weeks later we will celebrate Benjamin's 8th birthday. He is such a lovely little boy. He is looking forward to running track in the spring. I always read these blogs back and wonder if I sound as bad as I think I do. We really are still standing- we laugh, we have fun, we even occasionally even complain about stupid things. Maybe someday it won't feel so raw. <em>""</em>Erin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-3644024775383738502012-12-21T19:05:00.000-08:002012-12-21T19:05:11.825-08:00We are officially back up and running! Our faithful netbook bit the dust a few months ago, and we have finally been able to get a new lap top. It is difficult to try and type a post on my phone! It has been a few months since I posted. Sarah Jane celebrated her first birthday in September- we had a cherry themed birthday party. She is growing beautifully and continue to be such a joy. Samuel is doing great in 5th grade- the transition to intermediate school went smoothly. We celebrated his 11th birthday in October. When did he get so old?? We were unable to go to Chicago this year like we usually do because we had a conflict on that weekend. The Lions Eye Bank held a luncheon to honor all the cornea donors in the past year, which included Luke. We were able to share a picture of him and a short blurb about him. We then were able to find out that his corneas were both successfully transplanted into two people that live in New York. They both regained vision because of Luke. We were overwhelmed with thankfulness that Luke's beautiful brown eyes have improved the quality of life for two people. Benjamin is enjoying 2nd grade and doing well- especially in math. We had a great time this fall watching him run cross country for the first time. He placed 5th at the State Tournament and then went on to the regional meet in Chicago. He placed 12th and qualified for Nationals in New Mexico! I did not work out for us to go our West, but we were so proud of his hard work and effort that helped him go that far. He and Keith run together a lot which they both really enjoy. I started working full time in October which has been a VERY difficult transition. I am getting used to it and am so thankful that Keith is such a rock star Dad. He is by himself three nights and mornings a week and does an amazing job. We are in our second round of holidays, events, and plain life without Luke. Thanksgiving was hard this year- last year we took the boys to Disney World and just kind of escaped. I found myself in Mejier last month buying some gifts for the boys when I found something that I thought Luke would like- before I caught myself. I then realized that I was shopping for an 8 year old Luke. Luke would be almost 10. What would be into now? What would be enjoy? I don't know 10 year old Luke. I had to smile though. His "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" song that we played at the funeral came on over the speakers. Coincidence I am sure, but it was pretty amazing. I cannot say that missing him has gotten any better. Life is not easier. But I am learning how to live without him. We have done our best to enjoy the holidays- remembering the past and making the present special for the kids. We are so blessed and thankful this holiday season. Blessings to all! ErinErin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-80667830943666655102012-08-30T17:19:00.001-07:002012-08-30T17:19:29.038-07:00Luke's Homecoming DayOn August 29th, 2011,at 810 in the morning, Keith and I sat next to Luke's bed in the PICU and watched his heart stop on the monitor. We held his hands and let him go Home. I am not sure how we did that, but we knew it was the right thing to do. They had resusitated him several times and he was at the maximum dosage off all the different medications they could give to keep his heart going. They were not working- his lungs had failed which caused his heart to fail. We did not have to take him off the ventilator. His lungs were unable to exchange oxygen even though the ventilator continued (at maximum settings) to breathe for him. The choice for him to let go was not ours to make, but we were able to give him a dying experience in which I layed in bed with him and rubbed his head, hands, and his chest around the chest tubes. His family was able to gather and say good bye. I put his hands to my belly to feel Sarah Jane. Our pastor led us in prayer. Benjamin and Samuel both got a chance to touch him one more time and say goodbye. When we could see he was close to passing, we asked everyone to step out of the room and Keith sat on one side and I on the other and we held his hands. That was the end of our earthly son, and we gave him back to whom he came from, A year later we are so thankful that we ever had him- that beautiful boy.<br />
Keith, Samuel, Benjamin and I lit a candle at 810 in the morning this 29th to start our day. We served a lunch at the Ronald McDonald house at Riley in honor of Luke. It felt good to give back. In the evening, we had a small gathering at the cemetery and had a dove release, readings, and a balloon release for the kids. We shared several of the poems that Luke's friends wrote for him. Keith and I both shared. Mine was as follows:<br />
My little Bear,<br />
I continue to be overwhelmed by how much I love you.<br />
I am so proud of you each and every day.<br />
My heart longs for you, but in truth, you gave me enough joy to last a lifetime.<br />
You were a son that anyone would long for.<br />
I enjoyed you so much- your humor, your love, your thoughtfulness.<br />
It has been a struggle dealing with your absence.<br />
I miss what you brought to our family,<br />
But I remind myself daily that there are no "whys" in God's world.<br />
We have tried to sit back and watch the fruit of your life be harvested.<br />
There are babies in the world because of your influence.<br />
You have led people to Christ or helped strengthen their relationship with Jesus.<br />
Mothers have hugged their kids a bit closer.<br />
There are people who have nominated kids for a Make A Wish because they heard your story on the radio.<br />
Your memorial donations have granted several wishes.<br />
Your presence in Heaven has given people comfort that you are with their loved ones.<br />
You have encouraged acts of kindness done in your name.<br />
We hope to continue to see the beauty that has risen from the ashes of your death.<br />
You are more that my sick little boy who died- you are a joy, a triumph, a blessing, and a gift.<br />
Daddy and I saw what you lived with every day.<br />
We were amazed to watch how you dealt with the bleeding and the limits of your breathing.<br />
I wish more people really understood how brave you truly were.<br />
You rose to the occasion each time you needed to. <br />
You did everything in this world that you were asked to do.<br />
You dealth with the disappointment, pain, anxiety, and the fragility of your life with an uncanny awareness.<br />
You are my motivation everyday to stay in the land of the living.<br />
All you ever wanted to do was to just live your life- your disease may have taken your breath away, but it never got the best of you spirit.<br />
I never took the best of you away from me.<br />
Your last words to Daddy and I were of love and courage.<br />
You found the best in each day and you motivate me to do the same.<br />
You see fully now why this happened to you.<br />
I am content that you can carry that for me until I see you again. <br />
I can imagine your excitement when you hear that I am coming and you can show me what you have been up to.<br />
And then I can hold you again.<br />
Until Lukey, I will live my life with your soul in my heart.<br />
I will parent your siblings with all the love I can.<br />
I will continue to see you bear fruit in this world.<br />
I love you, Luke- then, now, and always.<br />
Your Mommy<br />
<br />
Erin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-21840942582617971272012-07-31T18:16:00.000-07:002012-07-31T18:16:50.215-07:00Facing Future the sequel We are now at 11 months since Luke died. The Make A Wish walk felt like the start of the time period that counted down to Luke dying. We had a wonderful day with many friends and family who walked with us during the walk and many who donated to Luke's team. "Luke's Pineapple Express" has raised a little over $4,000 and we are so grateful. Luke would have been thrilled and so excited. He had wanted to have t shirts made last year, but we did not get around to it. We did it up right with bright yellow t shirts with a pineapple on it, the name of the team, and the saying, "Make A Wish made Luke's dream come true". We missed him so much that day, but we know that we are doing what he would have wanted us to do. We are gearing up to go back to Ocean City next week. Very mixed emotions about it. The boys are really excited and we love to see Keith's family. That week was hard in many ways with Luke. Keith and I really saw the decline in him that week. Things changed almost as soon as we got home, We had some very special time with him and he had a blast with all of his cousins. Things are never the same without Luke, but it does not mean they have to be bad. Life was just that much sweeter when Luke was in this world. Luke gave us enough joy to last a lifetime. We try and concentrate on that more than the "what ifs" if he was still here. I feels very real to me that he is not here, but I have to take a moment to grieve the loss of him when I buy two pairs of school shoes. Two sets of school supplies. I fill out two forms to register for VBS. I have a hand for each boy to hold. Life was just that much sweeter...<br />
Sarah Jane is amazing. We just eat her up. She loves her brothers and cries when Benjamin leaves the room sometimes. She is her Daddy's sweetheart. She is like food for my soul. Our little "cherry on top" is living up to Luke's expectations. I watered Luke's flowers today on his grave and when I opened Sarah's door to get my watering can, Sarah was waving Hi to Luke- or at least looking at his marker and waving. I hope someday she can understand who Luke was and how much he loved her. I cry everyday for Luke, but I laugh every day. I enjoy Samuel, Benjamin, and Sarah. Keith and I plan for the future as we talk a lot about the past. We have been able to move past a lot of the trauma of Luke's last weekend and allow ourselves to let those images fade. Luke is so much more than a little boy who died, as we are more than parents who have lost a child. Luke and the loss of him are woven in to the story of our family. I will never feel the same as I did when he was here, but I am filling that hole with the joy that was Luke. What a lucky Mommy I was/am.Erin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-49069540583478909622012-06-08T13:17:00.000-07:002012-06-08T13:17:15.351-07:00Lost for wordsWriting was so helpful to me when Luke was here and I am so thankful to have that record of his last 3 years. Now I am finding very little ability to put what is in my heart down. Overwhelmed a lot with very conflicting emotions. I am missing Luke so badly, am enjoying Benjamin so much, so proud of Samuel and who he is becoming, and am busy with Sarah- enjoying her babyhood. So many wonderful things, yet there is a big Luke sized chomp out of everything. At Brooke's Place last night, one of the other moms and I were talking and reminded each other that you never get "used" to your child being gone. You never get "Over It". Time does not heal all wounds. They may scar- but they never heal. Although Luke is in Heaven and happier than we could ever be, I am selfish that I was not done with him. His brothers were not done with him, and his sister never got a chance. I have to trust and believe that God has a plan for all of us and someday I will understand. Matt (our friend and pastor) said at the end of his eulogy at the funeral some words I have carried with me daily. Luke is fully known and fully sees. I had a daydream the other day and imagined Benjamin as a husband and father. Maybe he will have three little boys close together and he can enjoy watching them grow up together- something that he did not get to do. That would be precious. I find it troublesome to my heart as time passes how I will be able to continue to fit Luke into this world. Right now I can say, "Luke would have enjoyed that" but what do I say in 10 years? Eight year old Luke would enjoy that, but what would have 18 year old Luke been like? We have a finite amount of stories, memories, pictures of Luke. Never more. No 40 year old Luke with kids and a mortgage. Forever my little boy. How is that going to feel in 15 years, 30 years, 5 years? Taking each day a step at a time. Trying not to be jealous of intact families. Cutting myself some slack about a lot of stuff. Trying to get back into life. Reminding myself that I do not need to pick one emotion. I can be truly thankful for what I had and so completly sad that it is gone all and the same time. There is never a day that I am not thankful to be the mom of those 4 beautiful children and the wife of my husband. I wish that gratefullness was enough to fill the empty spot in my heart.Erin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-26399234134208161562012-05-20T11:59:00.002-07:002012-05-20T11:59:48.747-07:00Disaster Pants"Disaster pants" is our new nickname for our little princess. Sarah is crawling everywhere at light speed. She eats ANYTHING she can find on the floor. I have swept more in the last two weeks than I have in years! She was 8 months on Friday and doing all kinds of fun stuff- pattycake, waving bye bye, sticking her tongue out, and Benjamin's favorite- raspberries! She is so funny and very sweet. She has had a pretty rotten cough at night for the past few weeks which always makes me nervous. I do not have much reserve for any kind of lung issues anymore.Erin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-90107288726215672382012-03-26T18:52:00.000-07:002012-03-26T18:52:12.529-07:00Sweet BenjaminAs we come up on 7 months after losing Luke, I am continually amazed that we are still standing. It is only through the grace of God that we continue to move forward. We have had a very special week, but it has taken a lot out of us. Last Wednesday was another night of counseling for the kids and the support group for Keith and I. Keith stayed home with Sarah and the boys and I went. It helps us all, but I come home so tired. Thursday we spent a beautiful evening at Riley at a memorial service for all the kids that had died a Riley around when Luke did. A room filled with families that will be ever changed... it was a well done service. Keith and I were proud to stand when Luke's name was read. We were struck that this will be the only time that we will hear his name be called in a list- no graduation from high school or college. We usually do not spend much time or energy on what could have been, but that was pretty blatant. Forever stuck in time at 8 years old. Benjamin sat on my lap and stroked my head as I cried. He was so tender and loving. He was sad and touchy on Saturday and I took him on my lap and begged him to tell me what was wrong. He kept saying "nothing" which is not unusual for him. I gave him some suggestions and I finally said, "Are you missing Luke?" He got quiet for a little bit and then said in a quiet voice, "Yes". This has been the first time that he has been able to put together that he was feeling sad because of losing Luke. He has had such a hard time putting together why he feels the way that he does. It hurts my Mommy heart that he has such a hard time grieving and letting it out. Our neice and nephew were visiting on Friday and were able to attend a Sock Hop that the student council at the kid's elementary school put on. They did it as a fundraiser for Make A Wish in memory of Luke. The kids looked great in their 50's style clothes and were so cute. They did all kinds of group dances and even had a hula hoop contest! Luke was a really good hula hooper! He would have enjoyed that part! Keith's brother and his wife and kids stayed for dinner and the kids got to play together. Our neice and nephew spent the night with us on Saturday and we all had a great time. Our nephew (who is only 9 months older than Benjamin) spent the night in his room which made him so happy. /He has not gotten used to sleeping alone yet. Sunday morning Keith's sister and her family joined us at church. We watched the Music/Arts/Drama performance that the kids put on twice a year. The kids used to be involved when Luke was here. It was excrutiating to watch and I had to leave. After I got myself back under control, I was able to watch the rest. It was great and the kids did a wonderful job. Some memories are just too painful at times.<br />
Last night at work three of my families were really grieving and needed a lot of TLC. To be honest, I am a little weary of dealing with grieving people- I get a little sick of myself sometimes. Thankfully I have tonight off.<br />
Samuel has decided to try the track team and school and I hope that is something that he will enjoy. He looked great doing the warm ups and I am really proud of his effort. He has been rather uncommunicative lately and really in his own world. I would love to live in his world for a day and truly see how he looks at the world and those of us in it;<br />
We have recently spent way too much money on our "free" shelter cat, Winston Churchill. We have had him for a year and just had him declawed, and he needed most of his teeth removed. He was shedding so badly that while he was under, we had him shaved. A clawless, toothless, and hairless cat.. He is a sight to see! HE has been a "lemon" since the beginning, but we love him anyway...Erin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-71026822256028418362012-03-08T19:50:00.000-08:002012-03-08T19:50:56.277-08:00The Best of MeWe got to a place called "Brooke's Place" twice a month for grief counseling for the kids. There is a parent support group that meets during the kids session which Keith and I attend. We have only been three times but the kids have enjoyed it. I was so encouraged today with Samuel. He has been so quiet in his expression of grief for Luke and I have been worried that he has not been able deal with it. The staff at Brooke's place helped him make a memory box which he really got into. Tonight he wanted to fill it, so we went through Luke's things and he chose many special things to fill the box and called it his "precious memories". He chose 5 pictures to paste on it of Luke. He placed it on his bedside table so he could see it in the morning when he wakes up. Then Benjamin took one of Luke's wooden boxes and put a few special things in it himself. My heart aches for those little boys and what they have lost. I thought that Sarah would be harder for me- that they never met. But in truth I have had much more trouble adjusting to the boys. They were an incredible set of three. Luke brought out the best in both of them and was a champion for his brothers. I thought that I was meeting their specific needs and looking at them as individuals. I was rather enjoying them as a unit, my "pack of puppies". The easy and comfortable relationship they shared with each other was beautiful and seamless. I am so proud of Samuel and Benjamin for doing the best that they can to establish a new relationship with each other- it just hurts my Mommy heart.<br />
<br />
Last February when Luke was so sick, Keith and I talked only one time about the logistics of Luke dying. We chose a funeral home, decided what to do with his body, and decided that we would do everything that we could to continue to have joy in our home. We then decided not to have that conversation again until we needed it. I felt peace knowing that those decisions were made and that we would not have to make them again. I decided then that I would not bury the best of me with Luke. I gave it to him when he was alive and I owe it to Samuel, Benjamin, and Sarah to continue to be the Mom I need to be to them. Those babies are the joy of my life and I do want them to continue to lose. They have suffered enough. That being said, the hole in our family and in my heart feels so big. There is not a moment that I do not feel Luke's loss. I read in a book an interesting analogy that really feels true- when a leg is amputated, the wound will eventually heal. You may even walk again- but you are always missing a part of you and your gait is never the same. I pray that the rawness of my grief will heal into something more manageable, but the Erin I was died with Luke. I am a work in progress of the women I am to become. I am trying to take the best of what I was and learn to be the best I can be. Facing the day to come takes so much energy and making the choice every day to move forward is hard. The kids keep me going. Sarah is so healing for me. She is nothing but love for me- her hugs and toothless grins soothes my aching soul. She felt everything I felt when I carried her and has kept me going after her birth. Making sure Samuel and Benjamin feel loved and cared for motivates me to keep going. I am trying.<br />
<br />
We marked a year a few days ago of the day that we brought Luke home from his lung transplant evaluation. We had no idea that we would lose him in 5 1/2 months. We felt such joy that day- seeing all tree boys tucked in their beds. We were so thankful that he was alive and so proud of how strong and brave he was. We knew then that we had seen a miracle. We had time to enjoy him, spend one more summer, and in retrospect, say goodbye. This was God's continuing gift to Keith and I.Erin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-20392148823410935972012-02-13T23:06:00.000-08:002012-02-13T23:06:40.781-08:00Not a big fan of Valentine's dayWhen Luke was 3 weeks old, in the winter of 2003, he went in to respiratory failure from RSV on February 13. He spent a week on the vent and gave us a really good scare. That was when we thought that was going to be the most traumatic experince that we would have with him. I had some post partum complications that day and spent Valentines Day in the ER with Keith going back and forth between Luke and I. The next year involved several bouts of pneumonia- one being in February, prior to his lobesctomy that spring. A few years later we were in the hospital again the month with the bleeding episodes. This was the month that we took him from the hospital without a diagnosis or any treatment options and started the process of reconciling that. Skip ahead 2 years... Luke was again placed on the vent February 10th of last year during that third episode of massive bleeding. So sad that we might have been marking 9 years without Luke or a year after losing him. We are so thankful that we were given as long as we were with him, but pretty unimpressed with Valentine's day all the same.<br />
We have had some wonderful things done for Luke recently that have really picked us up from a really bad stretch- many milestones that we have passed without Luke. The Szempruch family from our church had a star named after Luke- which especially Samuel (who loves space) thought was really cool. We were so touched and honored to have Luke remembered that way. Brooksschool elementary is going to have a scholarship named after Luke to be given to a senior that had attended Brooksschool. We will never get to send Luke to college, but it means so much to us to be able to keep Luke's memory alive in the kids that do get to go on. We have been surrounded by such love and thoughtfulness and for that we are truly grateful. My sister in law, Elizabeth, worked very hard to compile a book full of memories, stories, and pictures of Luke. It is breath taking and I think that I have read it a thousand times already. Four of my dear friends from college came down this weekend and it was a wonderful distraction. Three of my sorority sisters came earlier this fall. Reconnecting with old friends has been wonderful for me in many ways- but having something to look forward to is a good way to distract myself. I had to change our status on our Children's Museum membership because I could not handle them asking if we had "all three kids with you today". The kind lady a the info desk changed my card for me and was so kind and gentle about it. Her family had a recent loss and she understood how hard things like that are to do. We got notification this week that a memorial contribution to Make A WIsh was donated from Luke's "friends at the Children's Museum". We were so touched and amazed that they would do that in his memory. We spend a lot of time there together and have many wonderful memories. Such beauty and compassion continues to pour into such a big wound for us.<br />
Keith and I realized that we have all had birthdays since Luke died. None of us are the same age that we were when we had him. The year has changed. I would like to say that things are getting easier, but it is not. We will be marking 6 months on the 29th and I hope each day the weight of his loss will start to ease. I almost wish that I was angry or questioning of God about this. Then I could work through those feelings and make peace with them. I just miss Luke. There is no healing or working through that emotion. It just is. I am thankful though for my Valentine, a husband that continues to walk this road with me- through the pot holes and all.Erin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-36354094046073630062012-02-04T11:24:00.000-08:002012-02-04T11:24:42.845-08:00Pokagon State Park!Today we spent a wonderful morning toboganing in Angola, Indiana at Pokagon State Park. My cousin Emily came home from Texas, Uncle David and Aunt Victoria hosted us all. Tyler and Elizabeth brought the kids and we just had a blast. We celebrated Gramma's 83rd birthday (coming up on 2/13), Elizabeth's (2/27), and Benjamin (2/9) with cake and ice cream. Colin and Benjamin (with Keith's help) have made an obstacle course outside. They have been cracking us up! Family time is so healing for us right now- being around such love helps make our days more tolerable.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Mommy and Sarah Jane at Pokagon State Park<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqjbHeP4jn4iXAfdRvcHeC-C3kA8mru76FA9PfjHtNLtuOcNLiUZQ0ZCxy5MF0vZ9dI7WtOF_bMquVErUcl7nX2Ad0MOA0Lvv2GlGKT8d1_43mxq5LWXbCBotGRw8_0xPzdJfO4qBXA9A/s1600/DSC_0004.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" sda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqjbHeP4jn4iXAfdRvcHeC-C3kA8mru76FA9PfjHtNLtuOcNLiUZQ0ZCxy5MF0vZ9dI7WtOF_bMquVErUcl7nX2Ad0MOA0Lvv2GlGKT8d1_43mxq5LWXbCBotGRw8_0xPzdJfO4qBXA9A/s320/DSC_0004.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgR6WHgl3ZRhgnkP-j3_C1pa-eMFi-_LB4pTQ1LB2VTPgUt7Q5thrp1jlZSH-IBLY4_44OgdP-JISpITfMTBnMQUogybYstUp-kdv6UB7W_SRjl9eTaRddjItZjiGgZ6dGYWQiNOmTAzdU/s1600/DSC_0005.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" sda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgR6WHgl3ZRhgnkP-j3_C1pa-eMFi-_LB4pTQ1LB2VTPgUt7Q5thrp1jlZSH-IBLY4_44OgdP-JISpITfMTBnMQUogybYstUp-kdv6UB7W_SRjl9eTaRddjItZjiGgZ6dGYWQiNOmTAzdU/s320/DSC_0005.JPG" width="320" /></a>Sarah Jane in her cupcake hat- with a cherry on top! She was too little to sled, but watched her brothers and cousins go down.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDRsiKXNQFwj7LErJ6GQnKsdGVVFxqg5PSSh9VzFKpr5Po32EFp99ripFwc89gCkI7Bz-2RHZ8FNLvjSCHbv7pqxzNW37WIODrlK2wKGEJMfbCFpCP9xK1H-U_-20WcA1Y9R68Diq62NA/s1600/DSC_0037.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" sda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDRsiKXNQFwj7LErJ6GQnKsdGVVFxqg5PSSh9VzFKpr5Po32EFp99ripFwc89gCkI7Bz-2RHZ8FNLvjSCHbv7pqxzNW37WIODrlK2wKGEJMfbCFpCP9xK1H-U_-20WcA1Y9R68Diq62NA/s320/DSC_0037.JPG" width="213" /></a>All five of us after sledding- missing Luke today- he would have LOVED the run!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIiWniMyCq5HkwYt1e5rbCbW5JjBcdxdscPH3URUOPKOVW_lnjEgiDna-xjfL7l3AMK9uFGYVNuZrAQDCuDAGicW4KkUdzfeuAsI2BSdoFSu_lwNHNwsg6O8trYZaNX5wf77GN_d3Qkt4/s1600/DSC_0026.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" sda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIiWniMyCq5HkwYt1e5rbCbW5JjBcdxdscPH3URUOPKOVW_lnjEgiDna-xjfL7l3AMK9uFGYVNuZrAQDCuDAGicW4KkUdzfeuAsI2BSdoFSu_lwNHNwsg6O8trYZaNX5wf77GN_d3Qkt4/s320/DSC_0026.JPG" width="213" /></a>Emily and the Girls</div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8jss0NRsXK6Tfqhh5-StG-7MZZqWSoBi6bt6dLGsK0POSSUGsDQjCqvm2eaCsNR7PvZzDCdjt5Pee1aHYOEu34YjlzRj-VwhkE2V9q9a9oSi26S2Kr-OyChpw-RNk8GEvJUZix_lyVX8/s1600/DSC_0020.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" sda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8jss0NRsXK6Tfqhh5-StG-7MZZqWSoBi6bt6dLGsK0POSSUGsDQjCqvm2eaCsNR7PvZzDCdjt5Pee1aHYOEu34YjlzRj-VwhkE2V9q9a9oSi26S2Kr-OyChpw-RNk8GEvJUZix_lyVX8/s320/DSC_0020.JPG" width="320" /></a>Mom and Lindsay took care of Sarah Jane while we went sledding.</div>Erin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-56450639445865129672012-02-03T20:29:00.000-08:002012-02-03T20:29:15.805-08:00Benjamin and Sarah<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> Had an incident where I tried to upload picture from an SD card that was not in my camera... so... not able to put on our recent weeks. I will though share a bit about Benjamin- who we are so proud of. Benjamin has been the sweetest big brother! He is so loving towards her. He makes her laugh- belly laughs. It makes me feel so good that he likes her so much. <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCze4m0UDfyO0xK1LNEZo4sJXhZEiNP6CdwKbhRKxTFNi2M6ds38kKjeDG8ARakGp4kbbJP4c8N77zdW80iUAoEuJ01haUwx0_38RPVDamepcorvW3dlh1hdAFN-2fkVkdQuj6NAh3t3U/s1600/DSC_0603.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" sda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCze4m0UDfyO0xK1LNEZo4sJXhZEiNP6CdwKbhRKxTFNi2M6ds38kKjeDG8ARakGp4kbbJP4c8N77zdW80iUAoEuJ01haUwx0_38RPVDamepcorvW3dlh1hdAFN-2fkVkdQuj6NAh3t3U/s320/DSC_0603.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD5DszPcbeo0wpe3_z-4yIKtp5f3jqPuksD84zn_54wmEIy_2Eiyxylr_oj6cNdTQJ6-Jyb5vKgW0T_z-zLzTHHKXj9ZQvuVa_tXBeZLFbOdmt_tlbcbMa1bzQOjsUXvZFX2Ibu_hFnrE/s1600/DSC_0599.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" sda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD5DszPcbeo0wpe3_z-4yIKtp5f3jqPuksD84zn_54wmEIy_2Eiyxylr_oj6cNdTQJ6-Jyb5vKgW0T_z-zLzTHHKXj9ZQvuVa_tXBeZLFbOdmt_tlbcbMa1bzQOjsUXvZFX2Ibu_hFnrE/s320/DSC_0599.JPG" width="213" /></a></div>Her little outfit has a cupcake with a cherry on top. It amazes me that cherries are so popular right now on girl clothes. At Sarah's 20 week ultrasound, all five of us went. When the technician announced that she was a girl, Luke said that "she is the cherry on top of our sundae of awesomness". I am a total sucker for anything with a cherry on it. I love that connection between the two of them. I was amazed the other day when I found an outfit that I had bought for Samuel (before he was born- we were surprised for the first two boys). I have had that outfit for 11 years. The beauty of it is that it is covered with cherries. A promise of something to come... We have so little that connect Luke and Sarah in this world and we cherish what we have. I have one picture of all three boys and I when I was pregnant and I think that it is one of the only ones I have of all four children together. I have that picture framed in our room. Benjamin found it the other day and moved it into his room. I did a collage of pictures of Sarah and Luke that she has in her room, and I think that I will put one like that for each Benjamin and Samuel. Maybe I should do one for Keith also. I have started doing a memory book with Benjamin. I have one for all four of us that we will eventually do. Elizabeth (my sister in law) put together a book with pictures and stories that is simply amazing. I miss that little boy with every bit of my soul and I cannot get enough of anything that even sniffs of him.<br />
When I am able to download the pictures and feel like I can, I will share about last week- Luke's birthday, luau, our 5th month without him,and Great Wolf. Difficult week- very emotional, but precious. The boys started counseling this week. It is group counseling with other children who have experienced a loss and adult facilitators that are trained to work with grieving children. They have a parent group that runs at the same time that I went to. The boys were very happy when I picked them up and Benjamin said that he talked. Keith and I have chosen not to ask them what they talked about, but were so pleased that he seemed to be comfortable being there. Samuel also was happy. Samuel right now is cracking us up. He is so funny. He is growing up.....Erin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-32809236517961350902012-01-08T17:18:00.000-08:002012-01-08T17:18:13.542-08:00Elizabeth saves the day!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Elizabeth saves the day again and again! I am so bad with my computer and can do so little. She is so patient to teach me and help me get things set up. She showed me for the third time how to put pictures on my blog. I will catch up our last few weeks. Here is Sarah and I in her Moby wrap. That sweet little girl fills my world with such happiness. She is smiling, playing with toys, and really getting into the world around her. She is growing beautifully- so tall.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYkMAMDDSFd9astMZf3YdWoh2UKoXATNdYnYnbSM0KRj3G9CRHK4ZixYNAyHrjWxPsT3uwDD43hYSqWgltf55f1HCZdUz9SnHkZbECFIll4MSr0fsHVjTMJj7d9Xkr-tI1wPlmgKce7xw/s1600/DSC_0422.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" rea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYkMAMDDSFd9astMZf3YdWoh2UKoXATNdYnYnbSM0KRj3G9CRHK4ZixYNAyHrjWxPsT3uwDD43hYSqWgltf55f1HCZdUz9SnHkZbECFIll4MSr0fsHVjTMJj7d9Xkr-tI1wPlmgKce7xw/s320/DSC_0422.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinTUhcC1K7zChbo0itY21naH__vEWrkoF0_V5v2m7j8pQHwJhK8LdPeBxDqkC4KLYxP3GLupeFAvjgcAM8KGxggBZW4WtmM_QH1xtRy36jTAqptG1nnW_YwcYey1d7uOyRpcFB_DlR-hs/s1600/DSC_0446.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">Here is my niece, Grace rocking Sarah to sleep. They are so darling together. Sarah actually fell asleep.<img border="0" height="320" rea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinTUhcC1K7zChbo0itY21naH__vEWrkoF0_V5v2m7j8pQHwJhK8LdPeBxDqkC4KLYxP3GLupeFAvjgcAM8KGxggBZW4WtmM_QH1xtRy36jTAqptG1nnW_YwcYey1d7uOyRpcFB_DlR-hs/s320/DSC_0446.JPG" width="213" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">This is Sarah smiling at very pretty baby... I love watching her discover.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh6ojI0V6U5FdOJe7wrTqFhYiidfYyC0V_LrJcG8op4W0smthpbJsFu5uM5BTmfzyhRI7X7d96Q87nVIDfpvb-CGyb5YzQQcrFtdONB37oEUzmPx9ig5M0a7o7_JrySvPISQlAcp3Ue_M/s1600/DSC_0457.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" rea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh6ojI0V6U5FdOJe7wrTqFhYiidfYyC0V_LrJcG8op4W0smthpbJsFu5uM5BTmfzyhRI7X7d96Q87nVIDfpvb-CGyb5YzQQcrFtdONB37oEUzmPx9ig5M0a7o7_JrySvPISQlAcp3Ue_M/s320/DSC_0457.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I finally bought stockings for Keith and I this year. Always a hard one... are we a family of 6 or a family of 5? I guess it is possible to be a little of both. I find myself thinking of my life in terms of WL (with Luke) and AL (After Luke). Pictures like these where they overlap are confusing right now.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB8pQCzPUg35-Eai0r08SSJUPQ015_Q5nhyxrH3bJTWYSYti7iSKf2PGTHCUTezERHWR9r9MGBYSxUJkbRqVJKWPJaSYLL3CHQa_nhjDkbL-N-EGkUu8LdATVVihLhfVEfbewH1v_hLLg/s1600/DSC_0564.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" rea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB8pQCzPUg35-Eai0r08SSJUPQ015_Q5nhyxrH3bJTWYSYti7iSKf2PGTHCUTezERHWR9r9MGBYSxUJkbRqVJKWPJaSYLL3CHQa_nhjDkbL-N-EGkUu8LdATVVihLhfVEfbewH1v_hLLg/s320/DSC_0564.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Keith and Benjamin got to enjoy a lot of chess over Christmas break. We were slugs and did not go out much. We all needed some downtime.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihKcuVQr4OGarkQSY1-okgpoL-PeC4RvdyuSMSdJIc1FD_2hH2O42VHbpd1u1zY3gzt31ZEC11Vq7RP4SbrtjVia0Cv-7BYIAfeR7LuVbGgLq7MV3vm2cTIGfzLhzAx6fN8AWiOW5DyCo/s1600/DSC_0487.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" rea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihKcuVQr4OGarkQSY1-okgpoL-PeC4RvdyuSMSdJIc1FD_2hH2O42VHbpd1u1zY3gzt31ZEC11Vq7RP4SbrtjVia0Cv-7BYIAfeR7LuVbGgLq7MV3vm2cTIGfzLhzAx6fN8AWiOW5DyCo/s320/DSC_0487.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Samuel received a "very accurate" watch which he was SO excited about. He is really growing up.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiisdLvKk2lcztOQVRADQHehTkgwzm86B3Wpq3Q-jEE01TkTeY3EMAws_gzDI1YwKK5r34EZrkKp4yZX7Wm8KloRCPsgqj7ds3sLWL_EOZ7djKC5NkbliHtG9r0_PvBB5baklNmpHzlVMw/s1600/DSC_0517.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" rea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiisdLvKk2lcztOQVRADQHehTkgwzm86B3Wpq3Q-jEE01TkTeY3EMAws_gzDI1YwKK5r34EZrkKp4yZX7Wm8KloRCPsgqj7ds3sLWL_EOZ7djKC5NkbliHtG9r0_PvBB5baklNmpHzlVMw/s320/DSC_0517.JPG" width="213" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Sarah Elizabeth and Sarah Jane. Keith's cousin is a precious woman. I am hoping that our Sarah grows up to have many of her attributes.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW1ccQZH5r0zNM9hUA5O-eX4LytSiAphk5vJlvN7mLUWsdGYXQMrXGge1FH0bhFQihhV7r5UAX2-9ak9Q2YfCQjXVCPNlh9N34tmzsjjMv5eRLDncWC790aw4gVS07JpBkFII0skblGL8/s1600/DSC_0563.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" rea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW1ccQZH5r0zNM9hUA5O-eX4LytSiAphk5vJlvN7mLUWsdGYXQMrXGge1FH0bhFQihhV7r5UAX2-9ak9Q2YfCQjXVCPNlh9N34tmzsjjMv5eRLDncWC790aw4gVS07JpBkFII0skblGL8/s320/DSC_0563.JPG" width="213" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Sarah Jane is totally infatuated with her big cousins- Here is Kate and Allison. Abby is not pictured here, but she is the oldest girl on Keith's side. All three of the little girls think she is the best!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjdYosdddXypfc_g3FL9rbwNB5zv7d54SIjZMRWtgTJMyViGZYbZyJcDIGznggnXZyahJaI5G-jsuP8oROhvPqOZYZlwFPjRdV34qJ0wePTefTo5I-1ofvqJc0dymIzBzhetv1Zm3vRyI/s1600/DSC_0556.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" rea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjdYosdddXypfc_g3FL9rbwNB5zv7d54SIjZMRWtgTJMyViGZYbZyJcDIGznggnXZyahJaI5G-jsuP8oROhvPqOZYZlwFPjRdV34qJ0wePTefTo5I-1ofvqJc0dymIzBzhetv1Zm3vRyI/s320/DSC_0556.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Samuel, Benjamin, and Sarah Christmas morning. We found joy that morning- we remembered Christmases past. We shared stories about Luke. Sarah Jane slept through the present opening, but her brothers opened her gifts for her. We kept it happy. After all, it was Sarah's first Christmas. Christmas Eve was harder.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIQ89NM0COPXbEljfvfTl_OzDbmqNUxA3v7-78-JRPb27h-lE1AFFzBA6XaUhGUjEN1X66WbOP_0pEI95iif_y9jG_39yHGFw0QTGWh_La08AksOUi88swRc6opBy7PtQgcLpuZ8EwBRc/s1600/DSC_0530.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" rea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIQ89NM0COPXbEljfvfTl_OzDbmqNUxA3v7-78-JRPb27h-lE1AFFzBA6XaUhGUjEN1X66WbOP_0pEI95iif_y9jG_39yHGFw0QTGWh_La08AksOUi88swRc6opBy7PtQgcLpuZ8EwBRc/s320/DSC_0530.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>I am back at work and doing well. Much better transistion than the one in November. We are anticipating Luke's birthday this month. Luke will be forever eight. He is frozen in time for us. It will be so odd someday when we say, "He would have been 42" or something like that. He will always be just a little boy to us. <br />
Samuel and Benjamin made a good transisiton back to school. We are so proud of them. We have been on a wait list for the counseling place but have been notified that we will be able to start in February. Hope that will be good for us all. Erin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-57117343998470394342012-01-01T23:09:00.000-08:002012-01-01T23:09:19.970-08:00Welcoming 2012Sarah Jane's first Christmas was about as good as it could have been. We played our traditional song, "Baby's First Christmas" by Connie Francis that we played for all the boys. She slept through the present opening, but we fussed over her when she woke up. My parents came over for our traditional brunch. Christmas eve we spent with Tyler and Elizabeth and their kids at Chick fil a and then service at their church. We then came back to Castleton for the 9:00 service. Keith and I were pretty emotional Christmas Eve, but we got through Christmas pretty well. Every day has hard moments and we miss Luke in so many ways. Christmas did not seem much different than any other day right now. I miss him when I grocery shop, do laundry, put the kids in the car, make dinner....... Christmas was just another thing to do without Luke. Keith and I do feel strongly that the holidays need to remain happy for the sake of our other kids. I never want them to feel that they are not worth joy and excitement. We are starting some new traditions to remember Luke. We have a palm tree Christmas tree up and have started putting special ornaments up for Luke that represent his life. I got the kids a book from Luke that is not about loss especially, but fits beautifully our situation. Making a Snowman by Allison McGhee. I think that we will read it every year. We were flooded by memories of the 8 Christmas seasons we had with Luke. He had pneumonia for two different years, was in the hospital for yet another one, last year we surprised them with the house.... he could unwrap a present faster than the speed of light! I almost bought him a few things this year, but decided not to. We have made a donation to both the Ronald McDonald house in St. Louis and the one inside Riley in his memory.<br />
I am back at work (again) and am doing much better than when I came back in November. I am still struggling with some nightmares and some nausea. I feel anxious a lot but I know all of these things are just part of grieving. It often feels like someone is sitting on my chest. It has been wonderful to have the boys home from school this past week. We have been staying at home a lot which the kids have really enjoyed. I think they were really ready for a break. I know how much energy it takes for me to be a part of the world right now- they have to feel that way too sometimes.<br />
We rang in the new year with dear friends and some tears. Happy to be moving past 2011 but so sad to enter a year that Luke will never see. We asked the boys what they enjoyed about 2011 and they gave us a long list of good things: New house, moving to their new school, new friends, Ocean City, meeting one of the Colts, our trip to Kansas, Disney World, and of course Sarah Jane. This was not even the whole list. Benjamin then said, " But Luke died." So proud of them and thankful that they can still see the blessings and happy times that we have had. A good lesson to all to continue to find happiness despite sadness. Sweet litle boys...<br />
Sarah is starting to play with toys and continues to be a smiley and sweet baby. She is starting to give us some giggles. She is growing so fast and so tall! She is stretching out of clothes left and right! Benjamin is so gentle with her and loves to hold her. He was so happy and proud the other day when he made her laugh for the first time (that he had seen). She likes to sit with Samuel while he watches TV. I have not taken many pictures of the three kids together. I have not been avoiding that on purpose, but I did not realize that I had not done that until recently. I need to be better about that. It is just that I have 4 kids, not 3. The "Luke sized hole" is seeming huge right now. Just another thing to work through.<br />
Happy New Year to all! ErinErin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-79841459093204163192011-12-23T23:36:00.000-08:002011-12-23T23:36:02.484-08:00Sarah's BaptismMy wonderful sister in law, Elizabeth, did a beautiful job with pictures from Sarah's baptism. I did not bring my camera, but she has posted them on her blog, "Life with the Mendenhalls". She always captures such beautiful moments. Sarah's day was filled with our wonderful family and a deep sense that our sweet baby girl is here for a purpose- she has brought such joy to our family. Much needed distraction. I remember with such love the days that Samuel, Luke, and Benjamin were surrounded by our family for their baptisms. Keith and my promise to raise the children in the church and the chance to commit their lives to God was and is so important to us. Sarah was so sweet in her dress that my Mom got for her. So thankful for all the support from our friends and family.<br />
We have had three family Christmases already. We did okay, but it is so hard. It feels so obvious that we are not all here. Luke's absence is deafening. It is very important to Keith and I that holidays remain good for our children and nieces and nephews. We can still enjoy each other as family and have a fun time together. But the energy it takes to keep it all together right now is draining.<br />
Merry Christmas to you from our family! ErinErin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-10780916279794828592011-12-13T08:52:00.000-08:002011-12-13T08:52:04.489-08:00Samuel Butler, MDBless his heart, Samuel over the last three years has tried really hard to diagnose Luke. He has many different theories on why his blood vessels got so crazy. He always asks if I think that his theories are right and I never know what to say. He was really thinking about it last evening and spoke for at least 30 minutes about his latest theory. Benjamin said something interesting to me last night. We were talking about Luke and I asked him what he does to help him feel better when he is sad about Luke. He said that he thinks about him, but then said that that made it worse. He also told me that Samuel told him that it makes him sad to talk about and remember Luke. The boys have done so well but there is more circling under the surface than we know or see. Hoping that we can continue to help the boys with what they need as they need it. My heart breaks for them. I know how hard this has been for me to process, and I am not a little boy. We have actually had a good couple of days. It has been busy. Our furnace stopped working, but thankfully we just needed a new "mother board" instead of a new furnace. That will be eventually, but we are hoping to hold off for as long as we can. That was one cold night in our house! Down to 55 in the house! Sarah slept right through it, but Samuel was not pleased to take his jammies off and get dressed! I have decided to go back to work on schedule- my first shift back (again) will be the 21st. I have tried to put some things in place to support going back and I think that it will be a good thing in the long run. Blessings, ErinErin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-70706018427069837902011-12-10T20:48:00.000-08:002011-12-10T20:48:05.485-08:00Four StockingsLooking at my hearth tonight with four stockings hanging. I did get my shopping done for the boys and made the mistake of putting some things in their stockings so I would not lose them- finding myself very forgetful lately. Benjamin has already peeked! I could not even tell I put anything in them, but 6 year old eyes can! He really does not like surprises. I have found a couple of really good gifts for Benajmin and Samuel and I think they will be excited. Not sure if buying an electric spark scooter for a 10 year old with autism was a good idea, but what the heck! I got him a new helmet..... It has been really hard not to buy anthing for Luke. I found a great art set that he would have liked and a set of little drawers to put all of his treasures. Fisher Price is rereleasing some of their classic toys so I bought Sarah Jane a few things that I played with when I was little. She is still a little young for them, but it is exciting to have them ready for her. I have also been collecting these toys for her called "Lalaloopsy". Luke and I watched a lot of TV when he was in the hospital when he was not feeling well, and we saw commercials for these dolls over and over. It was our joke that they were the most girly thing he had ever seen! He would pretend to gag but would smile the whole time. I have been buying them for Sarah for later to give her from Luke.<br />
Luke's stocking is empty and will remain so. Just another little piece of him that is left behind. All the little 8 year old stuff that he loved surrounds us here. Rocks, bags of twigs, a glass jar full of rainwater in the garage. coins, half finished journal, unfinished books, flash cards from a spelling test.... insignificant little things in the regular world. Makes me wonder what I would leave behind? What could you tell from me if you went through my room? Most of his things we have not packed up. Not sure when that will feel right. We are letting Benjamin decide about when we move Luke's things out of the room they shared. I can't make myself take his backpack off the hook that he put it on the Friday before he died. I cannot bear to throw away his bag of bagels and tub of cream cheese from the fridge that he was eating his last week. I know that little boy is in my heart, but I cannot let go of the material things.<br />
We are going to see my niece and nephew (Grace and Nathaniel) sing at their preschool tomorrow and are really looking forward to that. We find so much joy from our 7 nieces and nephews.<br />
Enjoying the moments that are good and doing our best through the hard moments. I am so easily overwhelmed right now that I have to be careful. So thankful for some time off of work. I will need to make a decision soon when I want to come back and have to make sure that human resources can accomodate the leave, My managers have been wonderful and so supportive as have my coworkers. Doing the best I can right now to take care of myself so I can be present for Keith, the kids, and my family.<br />
God bless, ErinErin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-66271655597069923082011-12-04T18:13:00.000-08:002011-12-04T18:13:00.189-08:00Facing FutureOn my last blog, I alluded in the title to the 3rd grade concert, and then did not comment about it. So forgetful right now.... The third grade did international music selection for the fall concert. Luke's class chose to do Hawaiian song about pineapples and dedicated it to Luke. They were so cute and we were so touched. Then the entire third grade sang a song at the end in memory of him. It was a very special night. I wa overcome with the thought that Luke would have loved the whole evening- the dances and songs from different countries. I know that heaven is better than anything here, but there are so many things on earth that Luke would have enjoyed or wanted to be a part of. He had been asking to go to Chuck E Cheese for the whole summer before he died. We never took him that summer and we passed it today. Reminded of the things on earth that Luke did not get to do- but I try and focus that where he is now is so much better.<br />
We returned from Disney World on Tuesday. We had a great time! The boys had a blast. Benjamin was tall enough this time to ride everything that he wanted to. He and Keith used our park hopper and did all four parks in one day riding all the big roller coasters. It was so special to let the boys choose anything they wanted to do for three days. Noone wanted to see Captian Eo with me (the Michael Jaskson video from the 80's) so I was a little sad about that. Keith and I did sneak a little snuggle on the Finding Nemo ride.... We were flooded by wonderful Luke memories. We took a trip with my side of the family in May of 2009- Luke had started with the bleeding the Novmeber prior. We had some hard moments, but we wer filled with fun memories and told many stories about what we had done with Luke. Coming home was very hard though. It was nice to focus completely on the big boys. We were anxious to see Sarah. Very hard to be away from her. But she was in great hands. I think between my Mom, Dad, and Gramma, she was never put down. She is one loved little girl. The trip to Disney was pivotal for me in that it validated to me that we could still have fun and enjoy time together. Benjamin was so funny and relaxed and he and Samuel did really well together. Things were also more fun with Luke around and we missed him. He loved roller coasters and he and Luke would have loved to ride the big ones together.<br />
I am so sad for the boys right now. So sad that they lost their brother. Keith is wise to counsel me that his influence on Samuel and Benjamin has helped make them the people that they are. They were lucky to have him as Luke was to be their brother. I still think of them as a group of three and have found it so difficult to only see two.<br />
I am struggled with a lot of sadness and especially anxiety lately and had a pretty good meltdown on my way to work on Friday. Spoke to my manager and I am going to take a few more weeks off work. I can back too early. I am a little embarrassed that I am having so much trouble keeping it all together, but I realize that I need to take better care of myself right now and acknowledge gravity of what we are all dealing with. New baby, lost son, survivng siblings, the holidays, and being a nurse that deals with death and grieving people. I have discovered yet again that I am not super human and have put up my white flag. Thankfully I work with incredible people and managers who are all looking out for me.<br />
It has only been three months since Luke died, but I feel like it has been an eternity. Part of me wishes that time would speed up, but every passing day takes me farther away from I time when I had Luke in this world. I can still hear his voice, feel the weight of him on my lap, and his hand in mine. So afraid that will go away in time.<br />
Sarah continues to be a joy- sleeps through the night, coos and smiles... I thank her everyday for being with me every day of Luke's last 8 months- good and bad. And I thank her for the joy she brings me now. We have walked this journey together and for that I am so grateful to her.<br />
Benjamin scored two baskets at his basketball game on Saturday! So proud of him! My cousins, Kari and Dawn, went with us to see the Muppet Movie today and we all just loved it. That kind of humor is what Samuel loves! It brought back so many fun memories for me of being little and watching it with my parents and brother.<br />
Facing future... Our life without Luke will always have a hole. I miss him with every part of my soul. I would be an idiot though if I did not see what I still have. I am so thankful for the people in my life and a Father in Heaven that is always teaching me and molding me into his image. I feel like he is refining me and continually making me look around me for ways to be thankful. I hope when I can get my feet back under me I can figure out what God wants me to do with Luke's story and the story of our family. Right now I just want to make it through the day.<br />
The holidays have been hard. We bought a second tree this year- it is actually a palm tree with lights on it. We have some special Christmas ornaments on it that are for Luke and Benjamin put pictures of all the boys on it also. Remembering Christmas' past- facing our first Christmas with him. But, it is Sarah's first. She is our gift.<br />
Trying so hard to move forward- Facing future...Erin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-82601823274781388362011-11-19T19:53:00.000-08:002011-11-19T19:53:15.328-08:00Benjamin and the Colts- 3rd Grade Concert<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnrMgcCw_wp3fl3ZI-7WEr56vSAz6vE9v-Uhby5tx8gk539rErvA8FAmPg9Vv4Mg_QELclbUpAXf8FeJQXXEl-PmLzG4uytSRy5mLJqtpOVXrEvFh1bb8k9PefL-DdZtKWXg3JdnZhNTc/s1600/BenjaColt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" hda="true" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnrMgcCw_wp3fl3ZI-7WEr56vSAz6vE9v-Uhby5tx8gk539rErvA8FAmPg9Vv4Mg_QELclbUpAXf8FeJQXXEl-PmLzG4uytSRy5mLJqtpOVXrEvFh1bb8k9PefL-DdZtKWXg3JdnZhNTc/s320/BenjaColt.jpg" width="239" /></a></div> Keith and Benjamin had the pleasure of attending the Colts game last weekend as the guests of Donald Brown and his fiancee Mallory. They had been so kind to Luke when he was alive by visiting us at our home and calling him on his birthday. They had great seats and were really close to the field. When Donald left the field, he threw his glove to him. It made his feel really special. It has been so nice to have some special things for the boys.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBa0iSnVFTrVuz127yBxq_XgX2BpSeTuu6NhHYyG-xrUxC7CLMANnglBVx7owc9KSWND_y5X_pLGBt6aFDMh-F40KiF8Qa6bbz-HnVJ8q7yrg3WVPxhJha1fj7qLtBT3X66zeTxp31Fww/s1600/DSC_0259.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" hda="true" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBa0iSnVFTrVuz127yBxq_XgX2BpSeTuu6NhHYyG-xrUxC7CLMANnglBVx7owc9KSWND_y5X_pLGBt6aFDMh-F40KiF8Qa6bbz-HnVJ8q7yrg3WVPxhJha1fj7qLtBT3X66zeTxp31Fww/s320/DSC_0259.JPG" width="213" /></a></div> Just missing my boy today.... this was the last really good one we took of Luke on his first day back at school. It is so hard to imagine that he had been in the hospital a day before and would pass away in 10 days.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCE4xICN709K76ZyjrgwdlYHHbsvPZ-TY8ONaWiJgkWbO237ZMaJ76f1FpmYBHfDabWBAQ9atNUfX5jwbPxYc5or3nCy6FNPGtom0KmsdwRrL_9HbDIC-OEOvCESVLRccz46Whtlr6GWQ/s1600/Luke+St.+Louis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" hda="true" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCE4xICN709K76ZyjrgwdlYHHbsvPZ-TY8ONaWiJgkWbO237ZMaJ76f1FpmYBHfDabWBAQ9atNUfX5jwbPxYc5or3nCy6FNPGtom0KmsdwRrL_9HbDIC-OEOvCESVLRccz46Whtlr6GWQ/s320/Luke+St.+Louis.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>I love this picture so much. We were in St.Louis for his transplant evaluation. This was the first time to be outside in three weeks. We were in the garden on the top of the hospital, Keith, Luke, and I. He looks so good- now he was so thin underneath his coat, but his smile makes up for all of it. We were so proud of his extraordinary recovery. We almost lost him several times in the prior weeks- we were so thankful that he bounced back. God knew what was in store for us and granted us 4 wonderful months with Luke before he started having large bleeds again. He is so on my heart today. We did the Wish a thon yesterday on the radio and we are up at David and Victoria's house for the weekend. Our first since 4th of July. We had a great time that weekend and the kids all played together, did fireworks, and tubed on the lake. It feels so sad not to have him here. He weighs heavy on my heart- he is never far from my heart and thoughts.<br />
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Samuel did a wonderful job on radio. He always surprises me- he does things well that I am worried about and then is a disaster when I am least expecting it. Thankfully, it is usually the former. We took him to the science museum in Fort Wayne. He eats that kind of stuff up. Grace, Nathaniel, and Colin were there also and seemed to really enjoy it too. We are having a Thanksgiving brunch with my side of the family tomorrow up here at Big Long Lake. Benjamin is cracking us up right now- way too funny. He is playing basketball at the YMCA and was on defense today. He is jersey number "1" on his team the "Hoosiers". <br />
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Trying hard to keep things normal for the boys. I went back to work this week. Finding it hard to move forward.Erin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8992654445960000462.post-60253297769251337392011-10-10T18:45:00.000-07:002011-10-10T18:45:02.376-07:00Just Starting!October 10, 2011<br />
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So happy to be keeping a better record of our lives- wish I would have done it when Luke was here. Hard couple of days, but we were able to do some special things. On Thursday we took our first family pictures with Sarah. We brought Coconutty to be in the pictures because we were not quite ready to do them without Luke. We went to a park and the weather was beautiful. Our friend Jill offered to do the pictures for us and she does such a nice job. We are anxious to see them. On Friday I spent some time in Luke's classroom (after the kids were gone). I have had a really hard time letting go of school for Luke. He was so excited about this year. I was really good for me to have some time to say goodbye. Saturday was Samuel's 10th birthday and Keith took Benjamin and Samuel up to Chicago to the Museum of Science and Industry. They had a wonderful time. Samuel got a plasma ball and is soo excited about it. Sunday was the Third grade Bible presentation at church. Samuel accepted Luke's bible. It was very hard to not see him up there- he was looking forward to it after Samuel received his last year. I could imagine him sitting with his class and how excited he would have been to show off his bible. Today Keith and I went to Luke's class and gave all the kids a piece of corn from his field and a shell from Ocean City. They seemed so excited and really listened to the stories that I was sharing about Luke. What a wonderful group of children. Luke really liked them and I can see why.<br />
I am so proud of Samuel and Benjamin right now. They are such sweet boys and bring Keith and I so much joy.<br />
Sarah Jane is an amazing baby and is really unbelieveable. She sleeps like a champ and is so sweet. I am so thankful for her. She has helped me fill my days and gives me something to keep me moving. She is our gift.Erin Butlerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09866410508270016649noreply@blogger.com0