Not a big fan of Valentine's day

When Luke was 3 weeks old, in the winter of 2003, he went in to respiratory failure from RSV on February 13.  He spent a week on the vent and gave us a really good scare.  That was when we thought that was going to be the most traumatic experince that we would have with him.  I had some post partum complications that day and spent Valentines Day in the ER with Keith going back and forth between Luke and I. The next year involved several bouts of pneumonia- one being in February, prior to his lobesctomy that spring. A few years later we were in the hospital again the month with the bleeding episodes. This was the month that we took him from the hospital without a diagnosis or any treatment options and started the process of reconciling that.  Skip ahead 2 years... Luke was again placed on the vent February 10th of last year during that third episode of massive bleeding. So sad that we might have been marking 9 years without Luke or a year after losing him. We are so thankful that we were given as long as we were with him, but pretty unimpressed with Valentine's day all the same.
We have had some wonderful things done for Luke recently that have really picked us up from a really bad stretch- many milestones that we have passed without Luke.  The Szempruch family from our church had a star named after Luke- which especially Samuel (who loves space) thought was really cool. We were so touched and honored to have Luke remembered that way.  Brooksschool elementary is going to have a scholarship named after Luke to be given to a senior that had attended Brooksschool. We will never get to send Luke to college, but it means so much to us to be able to keep Luke's memory alive in the kids that do get to go on.  We have been surrounded by such love and thoughtfulness and for that we are truly grateful. My sister in law, Elizabeth, worked very hard to compile a book full of memories, stories, and pictures of Luke.  It is breath taking and I think that I have read it a thousand times already.  Four of my dear friends from college came down this weekend and it was a wonderful distraction. Three of my sorority sisters came earlier this fall. Reconnecting with old friends has been wonderful for me in many ways- but having something to look forward to is a good way to distract myself. I had to change our status on our Children's Museum membership because I could not handle them asking if we had "all three kids with you today".  The kind lady a the info desk changed my card for me and was so kind and gentle about it. Her family had a recent loss and she understood how hard things like that are to do.  We got notification this week that a memorial contribution to Make A WIsh was donated from Luke's "friends at the Children's Museum".  We were so touched and amazed that they would do that in his memory. We spend a lot of time there together and have many wonderful memories. Such beauty and compassion continues to pour into such a big wound for us.
Keith and I realized that we have all had birthdays since Luke died. None of us are the same age that we were when we had him.  The year has changed. I would like to say that things are getting easier, but it is not. We will be marking 6 months on the 29th and I hope each day the weight of his loss will start to ease. I almost wish that I was angry or questioning of God about this. Then I could work through those feelings and make peace with them.  I just miss Luke. There is no healing or working through that emotion. It just is. I am thankful though for my Valentine, a husband that continues to walk this road with me- through the pot holes and all.

Pokagon State Park!

Today we spent a wonderful morning toboganing in Angola, Indiana at Pokagon State Park. My cousin Emily came home from Texas, Uncle David and Aunt Victoria hosted us all. Tyler and Elizabeth brought the kids and we just had a blast. We celebrated Gramma's 83rd birthday (coming up on 2/13), Elizabeth's (2/27), and Benjamin (2/9) with cake and ice cream. Colin and Benjamin (with Keith's help) have made an obstacle course outside. They have been cracking us up!  Family time is so healing for us right now- being around such love helps make our days more tolerable.

Mommy and Sarah Jane at Pokagon State Park

Sarah Jane in her cupcake hat- with a cherry on top!  She was too little to sled, but watched her brothers and cousins go down.

All five of us after sledding- missing Luke today- he would have LOVED the run!

Emily and the Girls

Mom and Lindsay took care of Sarah Jane while we went sledding.

Benjamin and Sarah

 Had an incident where I tried to upload picture from an SD card that was not in my camera... so... not able to put on our recent weeks. I will though share a bit about Benjamin- who we are so proud of. Benjamin has been the sweetest big brother! He is so loving towards her. He makes her laugh- belly laughs.  It makes me feel so good that he likes her so much. 

Her little outfit has a cupcake with a cherry on top.  It amazes me that cherries are so popular right now on girl clothes.  At Sarah's 20 week ultrasound, all five of us went.  When the technician announced that she was a girl, Luke said that "she is the cherry on top of our sundae of awesomness".  I am a total sucker for anything with a cherry on it.  I love that connection between the two of them. I was amazed the other day when I found an outfit that I had bought for Samuel (before he was born- we were surprised for the first two boys). I have had that outfit for 11 years. The beauty of it is that it is covered with cherries. A promise of something to come... We have so little that connect Luke and Sarah in this world and we cherish what we have.  I have one picture of all three boys and I when I was pregnant and I think that it is one of the only ones I have of all four children together. I have that picture framed in our room. Benjamin found it the other day and moved it into his room. I did a collage of pictures of Sarah and Luke that she has in her room, and I think that I will put one like that for each Benjamin and Samuel. Maybe I should do one for Keith also.  I have started doing a memory book with Benjamin. I have one for all four of us that we will eventually do.  Elizabeth (my sister in law) put together a book with pictures and stories that is simply amazing. I miss that little boy with every bit of my soul and  I cannot get enough of anything that even sniffs of him.
When I am able to download the pictures and feel like I can, I will share about last week- Luke's birthday, luau, our 5th month without him,and Great Wolf. Difficult week- very emotional, but precious.  The boys started counseling this week. It is group counseling with other children who have experienced a loss and adult facilitators that are trained to work with grieving children. They have a parent group that runs at the same time that I went to. The boys were very happy when I picked them up and Benjamin said that he talked. Keith and I have chosen not to ask them what they talked about, but were so pleased that he seemed to be comfortable being there. Samuel also was happy.  Samuel right now is cracking us up.  He is so funny. He is growing up.....

Elizabeth saves the day!

Elizabeth saves the day again and again! I am so bad with my computer and can do so little.  She is so patient to teach me and help me get things set up. She showed me for the third time how to put pictures on my blog.  I will catch up our last few weeks. Here is Sarah and I in her Moby wrap. That sweet little girl fills my world with such happiness.  She is smiling, playing with toys, and really getting into the world around her.  She is growing beautifully- so tall.

Here is my niece, Grace rocking Sarah to sleep.  They are so darling together. Sarah actually fell asleep.

This is Sarah smiling at very pretty baby... I love watching her discover.

I finally bought stockings for Keith and I this year. Always a hard one... are we a family of 6 or a family of 5?  I guess it is possible to be a little of both.  I find myself thinking of my life in terms of WL (with Luke) and AL (After Luke).  Pictures like these where they overlap are confusing right now.

Keith and Benjamin got to enjoy a lot of chess over Christmas break.  We were slugs and did not go out much.  We all needed some downtime.

Samuel received a "very accurate" watch which he was SO excited about.  He is really growing up.

Sarah Elizabeth and Sarah Jane.  Keith's cousin is a precious woman. I am hoping that our Sarah grows up to have many of her attributes.

Sarah Jane is totally infatuated with her big cousins- Here is Kate and Allison. Abby is not pictured here, but she is the oldest girl on Keith's side. All three of the little girls think she is the best!

Samuel, Benjamin, and Sarah Christmas morning.  We found joy that morning- we remembered Christmases past.  We shared stories about Luke.  Sarah Jane slept through the present opening, but her brothers opened her gifts for her.  We kept it happy. After all, it was Sarah's first Christmas. Christmas Eve was harder.

I am back at work and doing well. Much better transistion than the one in November.  We are anticipating Luke's birthday this month.  Luke will be forever eight.  He is frozen in time for us.  It will be so odd someday when we say, "He would have been 42" or something like that.  He will always be just a little boy to us.
Samuel and Benjamin made a good transisiton back to school.  We are so proud of them. We have been on a wait list for the counseling place but have been notified that we will be able to start in February. Hope that will be good for us all. 

Welcoming 2012

Sarah Jane's first Christmas was about as good as it could have been.  We played our traditional song, "Baby's First Christmas" by Connie Francis that we played for all the boys.  She slept through the present opening, but we fussed over her when she woke up. My parents came over for our traditional brunch.  Christmas eve we spent with Tyler and Elizabeth and their kids at Chick fil a and then service at their church. We then came back to Castleton for the 9:00 service.  Keith and I were pretty emotional Christmas Eve, but we got through Christmas pretty well. Every day has hard moments and we miss Luke in so many ways. Christmas did not seem much different than any other day right now.  I miss him when I grocery shop, do laundry, put the kids in the car, make dinner.......  Christmas was just another thing to do without Luke.  Keith and I do feel strongly that the holidays need to remain happy for the sake of our other kids.  I never want them to feel that they are not worth joy and excitement.  We are starting some new traditions to remember Luke. We have a palm tree Christmas tree up and have started putting special ornaments up for Luke that represent his life.  I got the kids a book from Luke that is not about loss especially, but fits beautifully our situation.  Making a Snowman by Allison McGhee.  I think that we will read it every year. We were flooded by memories of the 8 Christmas seasons we had with Luke.  He had pneumonia for two different years, was in the hospital for yet another one, last year we surprised them with the house.... he could unwrap a present faster than the speed of light!  I almost bought him a few things this year, but decided not to. We have made a donation to both the Ronald McDonald house in St. Louis and the one inside Riley in his memory.
I am back at work (again) and am doing much better than when I came back in November.  I am still struggling with some nightmares and some nausea.  I feel anxious a lot but I know all of these things are just part of grieving. It often feels like someone is sitting on my chest.  It has been wonderful to have the boys home from school this past week. We have been staying at home a lot which the kids have really enjoyed. I think they were really ready for a break.  I know how much energy it takes for me to be a part of the world right now- they have to feel that way too sometimes.
We rang in the new year with dear friends and some tears.  Happy to be moving past 2011 but so sad to enter a year that Luke will never see.  We asked the boys what they enjoyed about 2011 and they gave us a long list of good things:  New house, moving to their new school, new friends, Ocean City, meeting one of the Colts, our trip to Kansas, Disney World, and of course Sarah Jane.  This was not even the whole list.  Benjamin then said, " But Luke died."  So proud of them and thankful that they can still see the blessings and happy times that we have had.  A good lesson to all to continue to find happiness despite sadness. Sweet litle boys...
Sarah is starting to play with toys and continues to be a smiley and sweet baby. She is starting to give us some giggles. She is growing so fast and so tall!  She is stretching out of clothes left and right!  Benjamin is so gentle with her and loves to hold her.  He was so happy and proud the other day when he made her laugh for the first time (that he had seen).  She likes to sit with Samuel while he watches TV. I have not taken many pictures of the three kids together.  I have not been avoiding that on purpose, but I did not realize that I had not done that until recently.  I need to be better about that.  It is just that I have 4 kids, not 3.  The "Luke sized hole" is seeming huge right now. Just another thing to work through.
Happy New Year to all!  Erin

Sarah's Baptism

My wonderful sister in law, Elizabeth, did a beautiful job with pictures from Sarah's baptism. I did not bring my camera, but she has posted them on her blog, "Life with the Mendenhalls".  She always captures such beautiful moments.  Sarah's day was filled with our wonderful family and a deep sense that our sweet baby girl is here for a purpose- she has brought such joy to our family.  Much needed distraction.  I remember with such love the days that Samuel, Luke, and Benjamin were surrounded by our family for their baptisms.  Keith and my promise to raise the children in the church and the chance to commit their lives to God was and is so important to us.  Sarah was so sweet in her dress that my Mom got for her. So thankful for all the support from our friends and family.
We have had three family Christmases already.  We did okay, but it is so hard.  It feels so obvious that we are not all here. Luke's absence is deafening.  It is very important to Keith and I that holidays remain good for our children and nieces and nephews.  We can still enjoy each other as family and have a fun time together.  But the energy it takes to keep it all together right now is draining.
Merry Christmas to you from our family!  Erin

Samuel Butler, MD

Bless his heart, Samuel over the last three years has tried really hard to diagnose Luke.  He has many different theories on why his blood vessels got so crazy. He always asks if I think that his theories are right and I never know what to say.  He was really thinking about it last evening and spoke for at least 30 minutes about his latest theory.  Benjamin said something interesting to me last night.  We were talking about Luke and I asked him what he does to help him feel better when he is sad about Luke.  He said that he thinks about him, but then said that that made it worse.  He also told me that Samuel told him that it makes him sad to talk about and remember Luke. The boys have done so well but there is more circling under the surface than we know or see.  Hoping that we can continue to help the boys with what they need as they need it.  My heart breaks for them. I know how hard this has been for me to process, and I am not a little boy. We have actually had a good couple of days. It has been busy.  Our furnace stopped working, but thankfully we just needed a new "mother board" instead of a new furnace. That will be eventually, but we are hoping to hold off for as long as we can.  That was one cold night in our house!  Down to 55 in the house!  Sarah slept right through it, but Samuel was not pleased to take his jammies off and get dressed!  I have decided to go back to work on schedule- my first shift back (again) will be the 21st.  I have tried to put some things in place to support going back and I think that it will be a good thing in the long run.  Blessings, Erin