Friday, June 8, 2012

Lost for words

Writing was so helpful to me when Luke was here and I am so thankful to have that record of his last 3 years.  Now I am finding very little ability to put what is in my heart down. Overwhelmed a lot with very conflicting emotions. I am missing Luke so badly, am enjoying Benjamin so much, so proud of Samuel and who he is becoming, and am busy with Sarah- enjoying her babyhood.  So many wonderful things, yet there is a big Luke sized chomp out of everything. At Brooke's Place last night, one of the other moms and I were talking and reminded each other that you never get "used" to your child being gone.  You never get "Over It".  Time does not heal all wounds.  They may scar- but they never heal.  Although Luke is in Heaven and happier than we could ever be, I am selfish that I was not done with him. His brothers were not done with him, and his sister never got a chance. I have to trust and believe that God has a plan for all of us and someday I will understand. Matt (our friend and pastor) said at the end of his eulogy at the funeral some words I have carried with me daily. Luke is fully known and fully sees.  I had a daydream the other day and imagined Benjamin as a husband and father. Maybe he will have three little boys close together and he can enjoy watching them grow up together- something that he did not get to do. That would be precious.  I find it troublesome to my heart as time passes how I will be able to continue to fit Luke into this world.  Right now I can say, "Luke would have enjoyed that" but what do I say in 10 years?  Eight year old Luke would enjoy that, but what would have 18 year old Luke been like?  We have a finite amount of stories, memories, pictures of Luke. Never more.  No 40 year old Luke with kids and a mortgage. Forever my little boy. How is that going to feel in 15 years, 30 years, 5 years? Taking each day a step at a time. Trying not to be jealous of intact families. Cutting myself some slack about a lot of stuff.  Trying to get back into life. Reminding myself that I do not need to pick one emotion. I can be truly thankful for what I had and so completly sad that it is gone all and the same time. There is never a day that I am not thankful to be the mom of those 4 beautiful children and the wife of my husband. I wish that gratefullness was enough to fill the empty spot in my heart.