We are now at 11 months since Luke died. The Make A Wish walk felt like the start of the time period that counted down to Luke dying. We had a wonderful day with many friends and family who walked with us during the walk and many who donated to Luke's team. "Luke's Pineapple Express" has raised a little over $4,000 and we are so grateful. Luke would have been thrilled and so excited. He had wanted to have t shirts made last year, but we did not get around to it. We did it up right with bright yellow t shirts with a pineapple on it, the name of the team, and the saying, "Make A Wish made Luke's dream come true". We missed him so much that day, but we know that we are doing what he would have wanted us to do. We are gearing up to go back to Ocean City next week. Very mixed emotions about it. The boys are really excited and we love to see Keith's family. That week was hard in many ways with Luke. Keith and I really saw the decline in him that week. Things changed almost as soon as we got home, We had some very special time with him and he had a blast with all of his cousins. Things are never the same without Luke, but it does not mean they have to be bad. Life was just that much sweeter when Luke was in this world. Luke gave us enough joy to last a lifetime. We try and concentrate on that more than the "what ifs" if he was still here. I feels very real to me that he is not here, but I have to take a moment to grieve the loss of him when I buy two pairs of school shoes. Two sets of school supplies. I fill out two forms to register for VBS. I have a hand for each boy to hold. Life was just that much sweeter...
Sarah Jane is amazing. We just eat her up. She loves her brothers and cries when Benjamin leaves the room sometimes. She is her Daddy's sweetheart. She is like food for my soul. Our little "cherry on top" is living up to Luke's expectations. I watered Luke's flowers today on his grave and when I opened Sarah's door to get my watering can, Sarah was waving Hi to Luke- or at least looking at his marker and waving. I hope someday she can understand who Luke was and how much he loved her. I cry everyday for Luke, but I laugh every day. I enjoy Samuel, Benjamin, and Sarah. Keith and I plan for the future as we talk a lot about the past. We have been able to move past a lot of the trauma of Luke's last weekend and allow ourselves to let those images fade. Luke is so much more than a little boy who died, as we are more than parents who have lost a child. Luke and the loss of him are woven in to the story of our family. I will never feel the same as I did when he was here, but I am filling that hole with the joy that was Luke. What a lucky Mommy I was/am.
