Sunday, December 4, 2011

Facing Future

On my last blog, I alluded in the title to the 3rd grade concert, and then did not comment about it. So forgetful right now....  The third grade did international music selection for the fall concert. Luke's class chose to do  Hawaiian song about pineapples and dedicated it to Luke. They were so cute and we were so touched.  Then the entire third grade sang a song at the end in memory of him.  It was a very special night.  I wa overcome with the thought that Luke would have loved the whole evening- the dances and songs from different countries.  I know that heaven is better than anything here, but there are so many things on earth that Luke would have enjoyed or wanted to be a part of.  He had been asking to go to Chuck E Cheese for the whole summer before he died. We never took him that summer and we passed it today. Reminded of the things on earth that Luke did not get to do- but I try and focus that where he is now is so much better.
We returned from Disney World on Tuesday. We had a great time! The boys had a blast. Benjamin was tall enough this time to ride everything that he wanted to. He and Keith used our park hopper and did all four parks in one day riding all the big roller coasters. It was so special to let the boys choose anything they wanted to do for three days. Noone wanted to see Captian Eo with me (the Michael Jaskson video from the 80's) so I was a little sad about that.  Keith and I did sneak a little snuggle on the Finding Nemo ride....  We were flooded by wonderful Luke memories. We took a trip with my side of the family in May of 2009- Luke had started with the bleeding the Novmeber prior.  We had some hard moments, but we wer filled with fun memories and told many stories about what we had done with Luke.  Coming home was very hard though.  It was nice to focus completely on the big boys. We were anxious to see Sarah. Very hard to be away from her.  But she was in great hands. I think between my Mom, Dad, and Gramma, she was never put down. She is one loved little girl.  The trip to Disney was pivotal for me in that it validated to me that we could still have fun and enjoy time together. Benjamin was so funny and relaxed and he and Samuel did really well together.  Things were also more fun with Luke around and we missed him.  He loved roller coasters and he and Luke would have loved to ride the big ones together.
I am so sad for the boys right now.  So sad that they lost their brother. Keith is wise to counsel me that his influence on Samuel and Benjamin has helped make them the people that they are.  They were lucky to have him as Luke was to be their brother.  I still think of them as a group of three and have found it so difficult to only see two.
I am struggled with a lot of sadness and especially anxiety lately and had a pretty good meltdown on my way to work on Friday. Spoke to my manager and I am going to take a few more weeks off work. I can back too early.  I am a little embarrassed that I am having so much trouble keeping it all together, but I realize that I need to take better care of myself right now and acknowledge gravity of what we are all dealing with.  New baby, lost son, survivng siblings, the holidays, and being a nurse that deals with death and grieving people.  I have discovered yet again that I am not super human and have put up my white flag.  Thankfully I work with incredible people and managers who are all looking out for me.
It has only been three months since Luke died, but I feel like it has been an eternity.  Part of me wishes that time would speed up, but every passing day takes me farther away from I time when I had Luke in this world.  I can still hear his voice, feel the weight of him on my lap, and his hand in mine. So afraid that will go away in time.
Sarah continues to be a joy- sleeps through the night, coos and smiles...  I thank her everyday for being with me every day of Luke's last 8 months- good and bad. And I thank her for the joy she brings me now.  We have walked this journey together and for that I am so grateful to her.
Benjamin scored two baskets at his basketball game on Saturday! So proud of him!  My cousins, Kari and Dawn, went with us to see the Muppet Movie today and we all just loved it. That kind of humor is what Samuel loves!  It brought back so many fun memories for me of being little and watching it with my parents and brother.
Facing future... Our life without Luke will always have a hole. I miss him with every part of my soul.  I would be an idiot though if I did not see what I still have.  I am so thankful for the people in my life and a Father in Heaven that is always teaching me and molding me into his image.  I feel like he is refining me and continually making me look around me for ways to be thankful.  I hope when I can get my feet back under me I can figure out what God wants me to do with Luke's story and the story of our family.  Right now I just want to make it through the day.
The holidays have been hard.  We bought a second tree this year- it is actually a palm tree with lights on it.  We have some special Christmas ornaments on it that are for Luke and Benjamin put pictures of all the boys on it also.  Remembering Christmas' past- facing our first Christmas with him.  But, it is Sarah's first. She is our gift.
Trying so hard to move forward- Facing future...

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