Looking at my hearth tonight with four stockings hanging. I did get my shopping done for the boys and made the mistake of putting some things in their stockings so I would not lose them- finding myself very forgetful lately. Benjamin has already peeked! I could not even tell I put anything in them, but 6 year old eyes can! He really does not like surprises. I have found a couple of really good gifts for Benajmin and Samuel and I think they will be excited. Not sure if buying an electric spark scooter for a 10 year old with autism was a good idea, but what the heck! I got him a new helmet..... It has been really hard not to buy anthing for Luke. I found a great art set that he would have liked and a set of little drawers to put all of his treasures. Fisher Price is rereleasing some of their classic toys so I bought Sarah Jane a few things that I played with when I was little. She is still a little young for them, but it is exciting to have them ready for her. I have also been collecting these toys for her called "Lalaloopsy". Luke and I watched a lot of TV when he was in the hospital when he was not feeling well, and we saw commercials for these dolls over and over. It was our joke that they were the most girly thing he had ever seen! He would pretend to gag but would smile the whole time. I have been buying them for Sarah for later to give her from Luke.
Luke's stocking is empty and will remain so. Just another little piece of him that is left behind. All the little 8 year old stuff that he loved surrounds us here. Rocks, bags of twigs, a glass jar full of rainwater in the garage. coins, half finished journal, unfinished books, flash cards from a spelling test.... insignificant little things in the regular world. Makes me wonder what I would leave behind? What could you tell from me if you went through my room? Most of his things we have not packed up. Not sure when that will feel right. We are letting Benjamin decide about when we move Luke's things out of the room they shared. I can't make myself take his backpack off the hook that he put it on the Friday before he died. I cannot bear to throw away his bag of bagels and tub of cream cheese from the fridge that he was eating his last week. I know that little boy is in my heart, but I cannot let go of the material things.
We are going to see my niece and nephew (Grace and Nathaniel) sing at their preschool tomorrow and are really looking forward to that. We find so much joy from our 7 nieces and nephews.
Enjoying the moments that are good and doing our best through the hard moments. I am so easily overwhelmed right now that I have to be careful. So thankful for some time off of work. I will need to make a decision soon when I want to come back and have to make sure that human resources can accomodate the leave, My managers have been wonderful and so supportive as have my coworkers. Doing the best I can right now to take care of myself so I can be present for Keith, the kids, and my family.
God bless, Erin